BDSM & Kink Glossary
End kink shaming, it’s ok if it turns you on, as long as your sexual desires can be expressed with a consensual adult/s in a safe setting.
Ok, I have attempted to write a glossary of the most common things in BDSM and kink. I have written and backspaced so many disclaimers, at one point this post was nearly 2500 words. I am just going to say this. This is in NO WAY an exhaustive list, not even close, it’s just like a little kickstarter campaign for you. Each of these things are way more complex than what I have written but I do not have the time nor patience to write and post a novel. I have tried to include the most basic but most common things that one might need to be aware of when entering the BDSM and/or kink scene. I will also quickly mention that BDSM and kink are often grouped together because they are like “non traditional” types of sexual activity but they don’t always go hand in hand. BDSM has a power dynamic between participants whereas kink can just be kinky sex without a power exchange.
LASTLY, before we go any further, you need to understand these acronyms because they are crucial to BDSM and kink.
SS(S)C – Safe, sane, (sober), consensual. Be safe, if you’re using ropes or tape as restraints – have scissors nearby. If you’re using toys, medical devices, chastity devices – by hygienic and use proper precautions. Sane is a tricky word because, what is sane? But I take this as, are you doing this in a sane way? Are you thinking about any consequences? Are you in the right frame of mind to make this decision? Sober, I put in brackets because I would be a hypocrite if I said I only ever participated in play or scenes sober. Also, most of the time sober isn’t included, it’s just SSC. I do however think sober should be there as a reminder that play should be discussed sober. I don’t think its overly wise to get wankered and then decide you want to get out your restraints. But again, no judgement, just be careful. Consensual – my favourite c word. Ok it’s a tied favourite. CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT!!!!! It is crucial to all things, every day. Everyone involved should have informed, enthusiastic consent PERIOD.
I’m actually going to add in another ‘C’.. for cunt.. just kidding. For COMMUNICATION ya sillies. Before, during, after - Communicate what you want, how you’re feeling, check in with each other. Communication is key. SSSCC.
RACK – Risk aware, consensual kink. Risk aware meaning all parties are aware of the risks involved in the activity they are about to participate in, if and how they can be prevented, and what the plan is, if the worst is to occur. Consent – again. Informed, enthusiastic consent is MANDATORY. Kink – the activity or whatever you’re about to do.
As you read on you might think that something sounds scary or “weird”, but remember, the people engaged in these activities should always be following the rules SS(S)C & RACK. If someone claims they are a Dom/me and they want to engage in play without discussing SSC or RACK, take that as a huge red flag and avoid that person at all costs.
A
Aftercare – A period of time after a BDSM scene or play session that those involved dedicate to each other to give each other emotional and/or physical support, while coming down from the endorphin highs of activities. Aftercare is really important and, is something I think that all people, kinky or vanilla, should do.
B
BDSM – Bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. An umbrella term for anything in the kink arena (? Arena?). I actually love this hoity toity definition by Wikipedia so Imma steal that “BDSM is an umbrella term for certain kinds of erotic behaviour between consenting adults, encompassing various subcultures”. So good… and they didn’t use the word “arena”.
Bondage – Tying, binding or restraining.
Bottom – The receiving partner in a kink scene. A Bottom is not necessarily Submissive.
C
Collared – A Submissive or Slave who is owned.
Consent – Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship. Consent should be enthusiastic (yes means yes) and informed (no straying from the contract).
Contract – The agreement after negotiation, written or verbal, between the participants regarding the limits, rules and boundaries.
D
Discipline – When the Dominant sets rules for the Submissive. If they are broken, punishment is often used as a means of disciplining.
Dominance – Power and influence over others. In BDSM and kink dominance means to hold control.
- Dom/Dominant Domme/Dominatrix - The person who holds control. A friend of mine who is a Dom once told me “The Dom holds control but not has, the Submissive is really the one who yields the power, the exchange is mainly about them, the Dom is there to serve the Subs desire to be submissive.” Interrresstinnnnng.
- D/s – Dominant/submissive. Dominant is capitalised while Submissive is not which further illustrates the power dynamic. I have capitalised both because from a writing POV they are both titles/roles. So if you’re a Dom or a Sub and you’re offended by that… soz about it.
Dungeon – The room or area with the BDSM equipment used as a play space. I don’t know if I have heard anyone apart from a venue use the word dungeon. ‘Room’ is more common, like Christian Grey’s ‘Red Room’. I wanted to include it though because it is still used and I wanted to point out that, even though it’s called a dungeon, BDSM and kink scenes very rarely take place in an actual underground, brick wall, no lighting, no plumbing, Silas self-flagellating in the corner, dungeon. If there is a space like that, it’s probably expensive to get into and also give me the info because it sounds amazing.
- Dungeon Master/ Dungeon Monitor – If you go to an event, club or party there will be a DM, they supervise, make sure nothing gets out of hand and all safety measures are being met. They should also have some kind of first aid training. TBH it sounds like my dream job.
E
Edgeplay – Not to be confused with edging (being brought to the brink of orgasm but stopped before it can be attained). Edgeplay is being bought to the edge of your limits. It’s broad but personal in the sense that it can apply to any and all kinks and fetishes but it’s the limits of your own boundaries. Edgeplay is not to be taken lightly.
Evolving – Undergoing gradual change. This can be used as a role or status on the scene.
Exploring – On an open journey through the world of kink. This can be used as a role or status on the scene.
F
Fetish – A sexual interest in or sexual excitement in response to something that is not typically sexual. Like shoes, protractors, etc. (I didn’t use protractor for any particular reason other than there is one on my desk rn).
- Fetishist – A person with a fetish.
I
Impact play – When an object makes contact with the body for sexual gratification. Flogging, spanking, paddling… self-flagellation..
K
Kink – Non-traditional sexual activities. Which is like.. what is traditional? Missionary? I am happy to report that almost all of us have, by definition, have participated in kinky sex. Go us.
- Kinster – A person who has an affinity for non-traditional sexual activities.
L
Limits – Rules discussed in the negotiation/contract as to what activities are allowed.
- Soft limit – A soft limit would be put on an activity that someone wants to do but is cautious, nervous or anxious about. “Caning makes me nervous! But I want to try it, it is a soft limit.”
- Hard limit – A hard limit goes on something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is a huge no no. This goes to consent. A hard limit is expressed non-consent. “Caning is a hard limit.”
- Requirement limit – A requirement can be a condition you put on a limit. “I consent to caning but I’ll need specific aftercare”
M
Masochism – The enjoyment of experiencing pain or humiliation. See Sadomasochism and Sadism.
- Masochist – A person who enjoys experiencing pain or humiliation.
Munch – A casual gathering for like-minded kinksters to meet, socialise, have a laugh etc. These can take place in pubs, cafes, chill public places.
P
Play – Refers to (usually) sexual activities.
Play party – An event for participants to socialise with fellow kinksters and engage in BDSM and/or kink activities.
Primal – Animalistic instincts, behaviours and desires.
R
Roleplay – Acting out a fantasy.
Rigger – A person who practices the art of bondage, usually with rope.
S
Sadomasochism – The giving and receiving of pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation.
Sadism – The enjoyment of inflicting pain and/or humiliation. See Sadomasochism and Masochism.
- Sadist – A person who enjoys inflicting pain or humiliation.
Safeword – A code word to communicate during play because sometimes words like yes, no, keep going, don’t, are thrown around as a part of the fantasy. Safewords are important and should always be discussed in the negotiation/contract stage.
Scene – When two or more engage in BDSM and/or power exchange. It may or may not include sexual activity. I loved this article by LunaKM on SubmissiveGuide.com.
- Also refers to the community or culture as a whole ie people in the BDSM scene
Submissive – A person who consensually gives up control in a relationship, scene or activity.
Subspace – A physiological and/or psychological state of being experienced by a sub during a BDSM or kink scene when endorphins and adrenaline is at an all-time high, it has been described as feeling like floating or flying, even as an out of body experience. Subspace is not always experienced.
Subdrop – With the highs, come the lows. Subdrop is the body’s response to the drop of endorphins and adrenalin in the body when the session has ended. It mostly is described as a temporary depression with cold and flu symptoms. Bummer. Subdrop is not always experienced. Note: this is also called “Drop” because it can be experienced by Dominants as well but it is most common among Subs.
Switch – A person who changes between Top/Dominant and bottom/submissive depending on the mood, situation, partner etc etc.
T
Training – What training entails will be different from Dom to Dom because it is learning the behaviours, nuances, etc that will please that Dom. If you’re interested in exploring BDSM, please read LunaKM’s article on training, red flags and being a good sub here.
T.P.E. – Total power exchange. Usually, when the Dominant has complete authority and influence over the Submissive’s life.
Top –The giving partner in a kink scene. A top is not necessarily a Dominant, for example a Rigger is a Top.
V
Vanilla – A person without any [identified] kinks or fetishes. I believe there are actually very few true Vanillas in the world.
W
Warm up – Kind of like foreplay for a BDSM scene.
Ok my dudes. That’s all I’ve got for now. If you are interested in BDSM or kink, get on Fetlife! Make connections, friends, it’s a wonderful community. Byeeee xo.
End kink shaming, it’s ok if it turns you on, as long as your sexual desires can be expressed with a consensual adult/s in a safe setting.
