The Business Of Breaking Up
This isn’t a “oh it will be ok”, psychological breakdown of why break ups are in fact a positive thing kind of post. Oh no no no.. I’ve taken my years of experience (experience = being dumped, repeatedly) and produced this guide on how to handle some of the shitty things you have to face after a breakup. It isn’t as diplomatic as my counselling training has told me it should be, but you don’t come here for counselling. You come here for my quick wit, whimsical writing and choice gif selection.
In all seriousness, first and fore-mostly I want you to know that you are not alone. No matter how you’re feeling, it will end. ‘Ugh, yeh that’s what everyone says! You don’t know what I am going through!’ Well friend, I am the most dramatic person I know, and I have managed to find happiness after every K.O., and also I have science on my side.
Yes! Science! To break it down really crudely, we’re addicted to love. We release so many happy chemicals when we’re with someone we love, that when that person is gone, we go through withdrawals, and it’s proven that our brains send signals that produce physical and emotional pain after a breakup. What else does science prove? That time heals all wounds* (*I semi made that up, but I believe it). So, when you think ‘no one could ever possibly know what you’re going through’ and you ‘will never be happy again’… babe, hold on, big picture - everything will be ok.
Small, immediate picture? Read on…
Cutting off contact
Probably one of the most glaringly obvious and surprisingly under-mentioned (? Is that a word) parts of a break-up is the fact that, you’re breaking up… meaning you’re no longer together, meaning you won’t be talking to each other like you used to… whaaaat? This is rough, even if you’re the dumper, the sudden loss of a person that has always been there can be a lot to process.
If you were the dumper, probably best to leave them alone. Don’t send them mixed signals by checking in on them (even if it is well intentioned), give them space.
If you were the dumpee, and you’re staring at your phone, wondering if you should text them, text a friend instead. I still text my girlfriend Nicole with shit like “was thinking about *insert ex here* and now I am texting you”.
Alternatively, write what you want to say to them in your phone notes or in a journal. This is something I have also done a lot of, and it can provide some great perspective moving forward. PLUS, it saves some embarrassment when you’ve inevitably moved on. You can take comfort knowing no one has read the emo shit you wrote to the person who just “destroyed your soul”.
Break up sex
“Don’t have sex with your ex!” They said. “That doesn’t apply to us, we’re different” I said. We were in fact, not different. I have had two kinds of break up sex - slow, sad, “one last time” sex and weirdly enthusiastic yet completely dissociative “I’m handling this really well” sex. Woof. I tell you my friends, no amount of bio-oil could heal those scars.
This one is really tough for me because I truly believe it comes down to context, but as a general advice is right…
If you’re the dumper, leave them alone! Don’t send them mixed signals because you want to get your genitals wet.
If you’re the dumpee and you want to have sex with them, really think about why, like do you think that it will win them back? Because I am so genuinely sorry, but no. Also consider what type of person they are, that they are asking for sex when you’re in this vulnerable and emotional position.
It would be totally hypocritical for me to tell you not to have sex with your ex (seriously, all of my exes are babes) so I am here for you, whatever you do. For now though my personal thought is, why have sex with an ex when you could have sex with yourself?
Sex with other people
It is almost undeniable, one day, you will have sex with someone else. You might wait until you meet another person that you like or you might be out trying to fuck the pain away. I have approached it differently after every breakup, once I even waited what felt like an “appropriate” amount of time before arranging and sleeping with a trusted friend and you know what? I still cried after.
There is no right or inherently wrong answer here and therefore, my only advice is this – check in with yourself, follow your gut and most importantly, whatever you do, do it safely.
Destroying the evidence
I am a sentimental hoarder. Every scrap of paper holds a memory that I fear I won’t remember if I throw it out and so I keep everything. This caused a great deal of distress, even years after my first breakup. Receipts, ticket stubs, photos, birthday cards – I can’t throw away these 6 years of my life, like they meant nothing!?! It was the incred Marie Kondo who gave me the perspective shift I needed.
Does this stuff bring me joy? No. I am not discarding it like trash, I am releasing these feelings and these memories that no longer serve me. Except for a couple of things that held bad memories, that stuff I 100% Kobe’d into the bin. Finally, I wrote a letter to the ex on an anniversary card, I wrote about how he made me feel, why it was over, what I was grateful for and my wishes for both of us moving forward, then I put it in a saucepan and lit that baby on fire. The next breakup, I did the same thing.
I understand it can be really hard to let some things go and I’m not telling you that you need to burn your shit, but if you do, have the appropriate fire extinguisher handy.
Taking the high road
Not everyone is willing to admit to all of the immature shit they have desperately wanted to do after a breakup. Sometimes we decide to “take the high road” and other times we decide to be petty and hilarious.
It is safe to say we have all done some pretty whack shit in the heat of the moment that we end up regretting. If you are going to do something to “get back at your ex”, just really think about it. Is it productive? Does it serve your higher power? If you’re insistent - Don’t do anything illegal or anything that would cause illness, serious physical or emotional pain or trauma.
Just to be super clear – I do not encourage pettiness or pranks. But if you DO happen to do something… and it’s like… funny… email me about it.
Depression & Coping mechanisms
As I said, breakups have been scientifically proven to cause us physical pain. Most people have something they turn to as a coping mechanism, whether it is sex, shopping, drugs &/or alcohol, eating or exercising, no “thing” is good for you if you’re using it in an unhealthy way.
I know what my coping mechanisms are, and I allow myself to use them from time to time. But I also know they aren’t going to fix anything; they aren’t going to take the pain away. I need to acknowledge and feel the emotion without judgement, before I can release it. I cannot stress enough how important and helpful talking to a therapist is. My counsellor helped me change my life and I don’t know where I would be without her. Make an appointment with your GP for a mental health assessment and plan, with this you can get therapy covered by Medicare. Read more about it here.
Letting go, Closure & Moving on
I left the hardest and most unsatisfying point till last. You can’t force yourself to “let go” or “move on” and closure? some people will never get closure. Trust me, I know how much that fucking sucks. My solace? THERAPY! Journals, meditation, talking to friends and family, seeing my therapist, doing activities that I can get lost in (painting, sewing, beading and weaving), I get busy living.
I don’t have much else to say on the subject but please listen to the episode of Search Engine Sex with Flex Mami “How To Get Over Your Ex”. And then listen to all of the other episodes of Search Engine Sex because it’s amazing.
Taking care of yourself
Try not to beat yourself up too much. Take the time you need to grieve, listen to sad music, listen to angry music, sit in your car at the beach for an hour and then scream at the top of your lungs when you’re driving home. Avoid triggers (I have only just started to be able to watch a romcom without an accompanying feeling of existential dread). Do what you need to do. If anything I have said doesn’t feel right to you, don’t do it. A lot of people try to give out advice when you’re going through a breakup and you know what? Sometimes you just need them to shut the fuck up and be a shoulder.
In Closing
I thought I would leave you with some of my favourite media
If you want a “my best friends talking and being normal around me again” vibe – listen to Search Engine Sex
If you want to feel like liquid sunshine has poured through your phone and wrapped you up in a tight hug – follow Jeffrey Marsh on Instagram
If you want to watch something heart-warming, emotional and funny that isn’t solely based on romantic relationships and breakups – binge Everything’s Gonna Be Okay and Schitt’s Creek.
If you want to laugh your ass off while also probably being triggered- binge fleabag.
That’s all I have for now. *Virtual hug* love you.
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